tears too many
by ruatcaelum
Summary: He couldn't help it. As he stood on that beach, that godforsaken beach, for the second time in God knows how long, he really, really could not help it.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Tears Too Many

Title: Tears Too Many

Author: gwencooper

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just… elaborating.

Spoilers: Quite a few for 4x13, Journey's End, I would imagine.

Summary: Too many tears, too many broken hearts. 10/Rose, after 4x13, 'Journey's End'.

A/N: OK, so I for one was incredibly unsatisfied with the outcome of Journey's End. Like the English literature book I had to study, the ending was rather depressing. If you liked the Alt!Ten, then sorry, I sort of neglect him. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

This is the first three parts, and the longer, fourth part may or may not be posted, depending on whether anyone likes it  please R&R!!

--

PART ONE: DOCTOR

A/N: The Doctor's thoughts as he stands on that beach in Norway, during one of the final scenes of Journey's End.

He couldn't help it. As he stood on that beach, that godforsaken beach, for the second time in God knows how long, her really, really could not help it. He tried to squint and blink rapidly as the tears involuntarily pricked his vision, trying to pretend it was the salty sea wind and not the couple in front of him that was bringing those bitter drops to his eyes.

As she pulled him, the other him, towards her, kissing him in the way he (the real him) had also wanted to, he couldn't help but feel… jealous. He wanted to scream. This was wrong, everything about this was twisted and sick and wrong- but he kept quiet as he reminded himself that this was the right thing to do. Rose deserved the other him. She deserved not to hurt so much any more, she deserved that life that he himself could never offer her, but that this other one could.

He'd known for a long time before she had told him the way she really felt, the way she had loved him silently for so long, thinking it was just a one-way street, when really all he had wanted to do at times was just pull her into his arms and-

But it was too late. She'd decided on this new life now, the one he had so cordially offered to her, a life with him. Just not him. He knew full well it hurt her too, having to settle for second best. Having to hear from a clone that the man she was indeed head-over-heels in love with returned that sentiment must have been hard enough, so he wasn't going to make this any harder by hanging around for too long. He needed to go, anyway. Time to move on. as he watched them embrace, though, he couldn't help a cloud of darkness pass across his face. She's going to be happy now, he thought, but what about me? What about how I feel?

As he turned and walked back into the TARDIS, Donna in tow, only one thought seared through his mind, burning like the centre of a star through any rational thought and even thinking.

PART TWO: Rose

A/N: This is set after JE, sometime in the parallel universe.

Rose Tyler rolled over in her bed, towards the darkened shape of the sleeping Doctor. Her Doctor. Her very own Doctor. He always looked so peaceful in sleep, an expression of serene calm spread over his face in a way… well, in a way she'd never seen before. Well, expect once. But she highly doubted regeneration was anywhere near the same thing as "peaceful sleeping".

She always felt so sad whenever she found herself looking at him. Just… staring at him for hours on end. It wasn't that she resented him- no, it was the opposite, in fact, he had been the one to finally whisper to her those three little words she had so desperately needed to hear, and he had never, not for one day, neglected to remind her he felt that way. But something in her couldn't help but wonder. Here she was, with this wonderful, beautiful, amazing man who loved her so much… yet he was supposed to be an exact clone of the man she'd left behind. All those feelings, all those memories, they were the same in both men, weren't they?

Rose reached out a trembling hand towards his cheek, needing such simple physical contact just to remind herself that he was real, he was there, but pulled back and rolled over in the bed before she had a chance to. He, the real he, had sacrificed all his feelings and all his wants, all his needs, just so she could be "happy", just so she could have the life she'd thought she'd always wanted. She hadn't missed that look in his eyes the moment she had decided her fate with another man. Yeah, it would be the Doctor, but it wouldn't be him. It would never be him. Suddenly needing that physical comfort oh-so-desperately again, she stretched her hand out and slipped her fingers into his warm ones, squeezing his hand tightly, and got a gently squeeze back in return.

Rose' eyes filled with tears. She'd get to live out the rest of her life with the man she loved but he would always be alone, he'd just keep travelling and travelling to try and fill the hole in his hearts her departure had caused. He'd never get to truly love her the way she was able him.

What sort of a life was that?

PART THREE: Doctor

A/N: Continuation of the very end scene of Journey's End, where we see the Doctor alone in the TARDIS.

Quietly reentering the TARDIS, the Doctor slipped off his jacket and gently placed it on the TARDIS, feet echoing throughout the mighty room as he crossed over to the control panel. He expertly twiddled with knobs and levers and buttons, quickly evacuating the TARDIS from the quiet suburban Chiswick street, but there was no goofy grin on his face, no spring in his step as he moved around the panel. There was just no one to impress anymore, no point in it. His eyes were dark as he pulled the final lever and he slumped back into the Captain's chair, taking himself and the TARDIS out of yet another person's life.

'_Yeah, and how was that sentence gonna end?'_ Rose's words echoed around his head as he found himself utterly alone in the empty TARDIS. He had seen the plea in her eyes as she looked at him, had heard it in her voice as well. She had been trying everything she could to convince him to stay with her, not the other… him. She had wanted him to say it, but he didn't. and now here he was, hating himself all the more for not doing so.

'_Does it really need saying?'_ Oh but it did. It really, really did.

Burying his head in his hands, the Doctor was motionless. When he finally sat up again, his eyes were glistening with the sparkling pools of tears that had formed, but he was going to be damned if he was going to cry. His right hand clenched into a fist as no one came to hold it, to look into his eyes with her hazel ones and to smile, and he closed his fingers tight over empty air.

Anger welled up in him as he suddenly slammed his hand, bereft of Rose's touch, down onto the seat with a cry, jumping up from the seat and irately pacing the TARDIS, his eyes still burning dark, now no longer caring as tears quickly made their solemn way down his cheeks. He had never felt more selfish in his life, but then he didn't think he'd ever felt so alone- and that was saying something- and as he finally collapsed into a sitting position on the grilled floor, breathing heavily and trembling ever-so-slightly, it was the latter that won out in the Doctor's body and he cried. Properly. For the first time in ages, he wracked the TARDIS with his angry sobs. He cried for everything he'd lost over the years, everything and everyone, he cried because for once he felt like he had no control over his situation, he cried because he was scared, scared of the future and scared of himself, scared of what he'd become.

But most of all, he cried for Rose.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Tears Too Many

Title: Tears Too Many

Author: gwencooper

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just… elaborating.

Spoilers: Quite a few for 4x13, Journey's End, I would imagine.

Summary: Too many tears, too many broken hearts. 10/Rose, after 4x13, 'Journey's End'.

A/N: OK, so I for one was incredibly unsatisfied with the outcome of Journey's End. Like the English literature book I had to study, the ending was rather depressing. If you liked the Alt!Ten, then sorry, I sort of neglect him. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

OK, this is the fourth and final part, and so I hope everyone likes it, thank you for the LOVELY reviews, everyone!!

--

Pressing a small button beside the TARDIS screen, the Doctor changed the view on the screen, and a hundred intricate, swirling designs flooded the screen. The Doctor's eyes took in the information, reading what the TARDIS was telling him, expression grim.

'Two and a half years,' He murmured out loud to himself before turning away from the screen, not wanting to have to face what he was seeing anymore. Two and a half years can be a long time when you're alone. Or in a TARDIS. Sure, he'd had companions, but they had come and gone, one way or another. He had tried to move on, of course he had, and the pain had numbed with time. Just like it always did. But that didn't stop him missing her still.

Letting out a deep sigh, the Doctor reached forward to press a lever, but his hand froze in mid-air as a voice from somewhere behind him made him halt in his motions. Not even blinking, not even breathing. It couldn't be.

'Wotcha,' Her voice was soft and sweet and so unmistakably hers.

The Doctor was frozen, eyes rapidly filling with tears as the rational side of his brain fought valiantly with the side that had dreamed and prayed for this moment for so long. Slowly, so slowly, he started to turn around, trembling slightly as he did so, not wanting to break the ethereal silence TARDIS and occupant- or occupants- had slipped into.

But there she was. There, standing in that same navy blue jacket he had left her in, hands in pockets, her hair falling straight onto her shoulders and a soft smile gracing her red lips.

'Rose?' He gasped, his voice no louder than a whisper, and the sadness in Rose's eyes somewhat deepened.

'I came back,' She replied, blinking rapidly as tears of joy, happiness, relief and utter sadness filled her eyes, reflecting the dim light of the TARDIS.

'Wha- but, but why?'

There was a pause as Rose's eyes bored into his, making him feel so bare to her, all his thoughts and emotions suddenly open to her as he found himself unable to hold anything back from her. Not any more.

'Because I love you,' She said firmly. The Doctor knew these words shouldn't stab at his hearts as much as they did, but it did still hurt. He swallowed and avoided her gaze, his back pressing up against the TARDIS console as he found himself with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from his feelings any more.

'There was another me.' He said, voice quiet, after a moment. He internally kicked himself for dancing away from the topic, once again playing with her heart. And he hated himself for it, but he couldn't help it. It had been too long. Too many broken hearts. 'Another Doctor. What happened to him? I thought…' He paused, suddenly finding the TARDIS floor excruciatingly interesting. 'I thought you had him.' His voice was quieter now, and Rose was able to detect the sense of remorse in his voice that he was obviously trying so hard to hide.

She smiled slightly, a sudden distant look fin her eyes. 'He's back home, Doctor.'

This brought a slight frown to his face. 'But… but…' He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it back as he tried to get his head around the situation. Finally, he sighed, his entire body slumping as he leant back against the console, finally raising his gaze to meet hers. 'Why are you here?' His voice was soft again, raw with emotion as their eyes locked and suddenly it seemed like nothing more needed to be said, so penetrating was his gaze in the TARDIS' ethereal half light. Rose opened her mouth to reply, but the Doctor cut across her, suddenly spinning around to energetically fiddle with the console. 'More importantly, how did you get here? I mean, I closed that gap off for good. For good for good. You shouldn't have been able to find a way back, those little void jumper devices are now officially redundant-'

'Doctor, I don't have much time-'

'Well, they have been for two and a half years or so. Your time, obviously. It's not like there's any real time span on here…' He had slipped back into his little world, his old Doctory self that seemed to harden him to any emotion. He was putting up his shields again. Mid-babble however, staring blankly at the control screen, he was stopped by the gentle touch of a hand on his shoulder. He instantaneously tensed up. That was it. There was no way she wasn't real. His eyes were unexpectedly flooded with tears and he had to blink hard to subdue them, so sudden was her contact. So warm. So soft. So… human. He quickly turned around to face her. She was now only a foot or so away from him, so close he could practically hear her rapid heartbeat, her single heart. The heart that beat for him.

'Doctor,' She said quietly, after a silence that seemed to last a thousand lifetimes. 'It doesn't matter how I got here. And it doesn't matter that he's back there. Cause he's not you. And I want you, Doctor.' Her voice was clogged with tears and emotion, so full of love. A single tear rolled down her cheek as her hazel eyes continued to search his dark, unfathomable ones. He still didn't reply to her, just put a thumb to her cheek to gently brush away her tears, and her eyes involuntarily fluttered shut at his contact.

'Rose,' He sighed gently, his voice no louder than the soft whistle of a breeze on a summer's day, and Rose was surprised t hear just how full of pain his voice was. She reopened her eyes to see him staring intently down at her,

'Yeah?' She whispered in reply, voice shaking slightly, so penetrating was his gaze, and the Doctor smiled ever-so-slightly.

'You're beautiful, Rose Tyler,' He murmured to her, and Rose blushed, smiling embarrassedly. 'But you have a life back home. With him.' The smile had quickly disappeared from both their faces now. 'You should go back.' His face was the epitome of darkness now, he was wearing his "don't-you-dare-mess-with-me" expression, and this was what kept Rose quiet as he gently pushed past her and stormed over to one of the nearby TARDIS columns, his back turned to her.

'I don't have to do anything, Doctor,' She told him angrily, feeling the anger rise in her chest as she followed him.

'Yes you do!' His sudden raised voice made Rose flinch and stop in her tracks as he spun around suddenly. His expression softened however when his eyes came to rest on her. 'Rose, we're never meant to meet again. You're meant to be back in your own universe with the other Doctor-'

'But I don't want to-'

'That's not the point, Rose!' He stepped closer to her again and she could see the deep, deep pain in his eyes. 'I sacrificed so much that day just I could give you the life I thought you wanted from me-'

'But Doctor, I wanted YOU!'

He just ignored her protests. '-Because I thought it would be easier. But now here you are, and Rose, it just hurts to see you. It hurts me, OK? And it's not fair on the three of us. There is a man back in that universe who loves you with all his one heart and is willing to-'

Rose finally managed to shut him up by clapping her hand over his mouth, stepping forward closer to him, her other hand on her hip as she stared at him, eyes burning with a thousand emotions.

'Christ, you haven't changed one bit, have you Doctor? You never shut up!' Rose rolled her eyes at him and the Doctor said something into her hand that may have been a muffled "you sound like your mother", but Rose ignored him. 'Now, I'm gonna take my hand off your mouth, and I'm gonna say some things you're not gonna like, but you've just gotta stay quiet, 'k?' She told him firmly and slowly the Doctor nodded. There was so much trust in his eyes. 'Alright. Thank you.' She slowly removed her hand from his mouth and, pleased with his silence, she stepped back slightly. 'I know I shouldn't be here, OK? And I know that you gave me up that day on the beach, boththose days on the beach, and I know you decided that you'd never see me again. So, I'm sorry to crash back into your life, but being with 'im, it's like it's worse than being without you, because it's not you, you're here, and I'm sorry if it hurts you to see me, because, Doctor, I love you, and so I'm sorry-'

But as this point, the Doctor decided t break his promise.

'Stop apologising.'

Then, before Rose even had a chance to respond, the Doctor was closing the gap between them and his lips were descending on hers. One arms sneaked around her waist to pull her closer, wanting as much contact as possible, as Rose finally recovered enough to kiss him back, equally as passionately, as they found that there was no better way to express their feelings, all their bottled up emotions that had been pushed to one side for so long.

When the kiss finally ended, and they both pulled back, breathless and flushed, the Doctor leaned forward to Rose's ear to whisper something, not relenting his grip around her body.

'I love you too, Rose.'

Rose just grinned.


End file.
